4 Agonizing Distortions in Social Anxiety Unraveled

Social Anxiety: A Hush Hush Story

Social anxiety has stayed undercover for too long. Because people suffering from it have hidden in its shadow, not knowing that there might be a way into the light. Most people think, “Huh? Being shy is actually a disorder? Like you’re trying to say I am ill?” You may call it shyness, timidity, performance fear, faint heartedness or social awkwardness. But this could really be part of a broader spectrum of nervous disorders, better known in the professional world as social anxiety disorder (SAD) or social phobia.

As human beings, we are habitually apprehensive of being judged or evaluated by other people. But sometimes you could exaggerate this fear to the point that it becomes irrational. The self-consciousness you endure is a real and uncomfortable feeling. Understandably, as a protective instinct, you’re scared, and you want to steer away from all situations where you anticipate negative personal valuation by others.

SAD: Wrong Labels

  • Aloof, distant, maybe arrogant
  • Disinterested and doesn’t care
  • Egoistic, stuck-up and snobbish
  • Uncaring, callous and unfriendly
  • Self-focused, selfish or snubbing

SAD Time to Relabel

  • Afraid hence hesitant to connect
  • Doubtful and uncertain about self
  • Nervous, afraid, hence withdrawn
  • Craving people but feels helpless
  • Insecure and timid hence reluctant
therapy helps social anxiety - Dr Shefali Batra

Social Anxiety Distortion 1: The World Is My Enemy!

If you have social anxiety disorder, you feel like a lone fighter in the battlefield. It’s you on one side, and each other is your opponent; waiting for that one situation to disapprove, belittle, judge, or openly degrade you. You get afraid of the littlest of public judgments and won’t even eat, use the phone or visit a restroom in public, for fear of getting nervous and appearing imperfect. While sometimes you may seek a safe haven with friends and loved ones, typically you feel unsafe with anyone. Your world is full of precarious imaginary wolves ready to attack and take advantage of your vulnerability. You imagine everybody to be your enemy and constantly fear people.

“I have a premonition that I am the odd one out in a party. And I know for sure that everybody around me is also convinced of this.” This is how the mind works in social anxiety.

- Shefali Batra

Social Anxiety Distortion 2: I am an Alien

It is unfortunately true that if you have social anxiety, people look at you differently. But you have to believe in the likelihood that the chicken gave birth to the egg. When you are socially anxious, you fumble, are jittery, get nervous, and react to people as if they’re already rejecting you. Now this behavior is perceptibly visible to people around. And sadly, they are not qualified or trained to or give you the benefit of doubt. Hence you get mislabeled as uninterested or detached while on the inside you are craving and yearning to be part of the group. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy – just because you believe you are queer, you become nervous, and that nervousness makes your behavior seem bizarre to others. And the cycle repeats. You’re always scared, and want to hide.

Social Anxiety Distortion 3: I Will Be Unsafe

As a species, human beings rely on safety and security. It’s how our brain became wired because once upon a time, when we moved around in herds, we had to fight ferocious beasts to survive. In the absence of caring and loving folks, we feel vulnerable, threatened and unsafe. We worry about our own pack stabbing us. And everyone seems monstrous. So, we decide to hide in our den and keep everyone else out. Including those who care and wish to be there. This fear isn’t as severe as paranoia, but it could make you excessively wary of other people’s intentions.

“In social anxiety, the self-confidence is so low that you believe every criticism to be the truth, and every compliment to be a lie. How does that logic even work?”

- Shefali Batra
therapy helps social anxiety - Dr Shefali Batra

Social Anxiety Distortion 4: I Mindread the World

Social anxiety’s most nourishing root is disparate self-consciousness. By imagining what people think about you, you overestimate the magnitude of the social threat, make assumptions without evidence, and skip any chance to seek the truth. In general, quite a few people in the world are nice. Everybody is not out there to get you like hyenas preying on your feebleness. In fact, a lot of people might be feeling exactly like you do.

They all worry about how others appraise them and wonder whether they are good enough. Like you, they choose to not speak about it. When you mind read people and miscalculate their motivations, you lower your confidence in them and you; and tie your mind in chains so you don’t feel free with people. Distorted thinking styles continuously fuel the anxious predicament in social anxiety. Watch out for these twisted thinking styles and find ways to untwist them by breaking the cognitive distortions.

Social Anxiety Distortions

  • Everybody’s watching me
  • People will be judging me
  • Most people are like sharks
  • I’ll be negatively evaluated
  • I will appear like a total fool
  • Nobody will understand me
  • I cannot appear incompetent
  • I need to be perfect always
  • I just have to perform well
  • If I’m not perfect, I must quit
  • I rather hide than fight this

Break Cognitive Distortions

  • People are too busy to care
  • People aren’t so judgmental
  • Everybody is nice in general
  • I will get some good feedback
  • We all learn from our mistakes
  • People might help me with this
  • We all have to start somewhere
  • I will get better, with practice
  • I’ll do my best, it’s all that matters
  • I am not perfect, I’ll keep trying
  • I can fight this with some help

There Is a Way Out of SAD

You could seek professional help by connecting with experts anonymously over chat or audio or video. In time when you feel more confident, you could come forward for face-to-face therapy sessions or seek medication if the anxiety symptoms are too severe. MBCT (mindfulness based cognitive therapy), CBT (cognitive behavior therapy), REBT (rational emotive behavior therapy) all challenge distorted thinking and catastrophic thoughts that feed into uneasy emotions and hence the resultant social phobia.

Logic tells you to suffer silently because it’s too embarrassing to speak to anyone about it. But if you did gather the courage for the initial step, you would feel more connected than disengaged, cared for than ignored, and an insider, than an outcast. Everybody is standing outside until the time they decide to walk in the door. And realize how welcoming the world can be.

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